Clowns
by Cyberspace
Summary: Nobody ever knew that the Yeerks' greatest weakness could be the human host's worst anguish. What's even worse is that it happens every three days or so... Set in Tom's point of view.


**_Here I am. Back in the Animorphs fandom, unable to concoct a story except an angsty one-shot. This is my first song-fic, so be nice everyone, and forgive the naive authoress here that dares to post her fic amidst the quality fics here at this fandom. Read if you please._**

**Disclaimer: **Boy, people must have gotten damn tired of saying this for many, many years. I do not own any characters recognizable that are relevant to Animorphs or any other story. All other unrecognizable and irrelevant characters are mine. For instance, Tom's blond friend starring for about ten seconds. Oh, and how can I forget the song.  
_t.A.T.u - Clowns(Can you see me now?)_

_**Very angsty song indeed. Try listening to it while reading this. It would give you nightmares for about three years.**_

* * *

**Clowns**

_Can you see me now?  
Can you see me now?  
_

No one could see them. That made up the most of his problems…

_All this weeping in the air,  
who can tell where it will fall?  
Through floating forests in the air  
'cross the rolling open sea_

He was thrown to the ground by a sledgehammer of abysmal despair and fatigue beyond fatigue. Physically, nothing appeared to be wrong with this teenage boy, but underneath the outer layer, his mind was in tatters.

Being beaten raw had to be better than this. Being shot by a missile fun was by far the preferable. There wasn't a physical torture that he wouldn't rather have, that would equal to what he'd been through for so long. At least that would become an excuse for his body erupting with intense hatred, his heart about to split into bits because of the loathing beyond loathing he felt beyond feelings.

He tried screaming his vocal cords out. Nothing was gained save a sore throat. He attempted to flee for his life. He almost got murdered as a result. He tried pleading. He even cried with sheer frustration. He'd had enough, but nothing was enough for them.

And now, nearly two years had passed, and he was beside himself. He could hear sobs of grief and agony all around him, the lost spirits weeping with a voice sounding almost inhuman to his ears. Begging. Screaming.

No human could deserve this kind of treatment. When will it end? When did it begin? Yet who could tell?

_Blow a kiss, I run through air.  
Leave the past, find nowhere.  
Floating forests in the air,  
clowns all around you_

They were everywhere. Everywhere around him, everywhere inside him. They projected images of his most horrid memories in front of his very eyes, putting it into their possession making it their own. The past that was no longer his left his mind and he was a nobody, no longer a somebody.

Clowns. That's what they were. Clowns that drained every single atom of happiness left inside him, that belittled his very thoughts, and on top of all of it, laughed. Laughed hysterically like they never laughed before.

He wanted to run away from all of this. Despite his assiduous attempts, nothing became of it.

(Get up.)

He started. The Visser had spoken. The Visser never interfered in these tiny affairs; why had he spoken to him? It took him a moment to realize that he was lying on his stomach, face down, panting slightly.

(Get up.) the haughty voice repeated.

Slowly, he obeyed. What choice did he have?

(Wait with the others in the cage.) So he did.

Waited. That was all he ever did. Infestation. Incarceration. Infestation again. Either way a slave. That was his life cycle.

_Accept it._

NO.

_Clowns that only let you know  
where you let your senses go.  
Clowns all around you,  
it's a cross I need to bear._

The ringing laugh of the Yeerk inside his head was so tangible that he almost felt its bitter taste on the tip of his tongue. Ignoring his privacy. Detecting his every feeling, every thought, every sensible prospect in his brain, slowly driving him into the verge of insanity.

Everywhere around him, and everywhere inside him. All surrounding him. He had to put up with this; it was a lifelong liability he had to bear. Something, just one inconsequential fact was what helped him deal with what was going on.

A weakness. A seemingly omnipotent being they were inside his brain, but once they were out, they were a vulnerable creature that any member of the human race could easily trample on. Taking this in mind, it seemed as if they'd like to nestle in the synapses forever; yet there was a time they had to come out. They had to crawl out of the inner ear out of his body, back into their filthy home where, frankly, they originally belonged.

The three basic necessities: food, clothing, shelter. The brain was their shelter. As for clothing… that didn't exactly count. Two of the three necessities were already provided or unnecessary; which left only one they had to fulfill outside the human body, but a crucial one indeed: food.

A Yeerk's vital element of survival, a Controller's worst nightmare.

Kandrona rays._  
_  
_All this black and cruel despair  
this is an emergency  
Don't you hide your eyes from me  
Open them and see me now_

Some may say that even one minute of freedom would be wonderful after constant slavery. Those people didn't know any better. Nothing could even begin to compare with the pure terror he experienced as he sat inside a cage as if he was an animal, totally helpless, watching between the bars at the new Controllers who were being produced that day, meanwhile dreading the doom of having that filthy slug crawl inside his head again, knowing that he will once again be a victim of cruelty.

Life for him was like plunging into a black darkness of despair; the one thing that kept him somewhat sane was a nearly invisible strand of hope, still slowly evaporating, that one day the Andalite bandits would defeat the Yeerk empire, emancipating all prisoners into freedom they had wished for so long. Whenever that was, it had better come quick.

"Well, well. If it isn't Tom Berenson. Not calling for mommy this time, are you?" A callous voice sounded menacingly from somewhere outside the cage.

He buried his face in his hands. He couldn't take this anymore. He didn't want to look. He didn't want to see that child on the other side of the pool, blindfolded, arms and legs fettered, sobbing silently as his ear reached the surface. Nor did he want to watch as a teenage girl was swiped in the face with the sharp claws of a Hork-Bajir, sprawled on the floor, exhausted from her futile attempts of squirming out of the Hork-Bajir's grasp, swearing bitterly.

"Don't you hide from me, Tom. Little itsy bitsy Tom, are you scared? Open your eyes. Open them and see me."

Tom lifted his face and squinted to see beyond the metal bars. People were all around him, moaning with sounds that no human could possibly make. Some crying and some just sitting with their heads between their knees. Some staring with glazed eyes at nothing in particular. And squatting outside the cage was the blond boy from school, his Yeerk's colleague. Funny how they were best friends before they were infested.

The Yeerk sighed. "I must go get my Kandrona rays now, Tom. Meanwhile you can play hopscotch with your once-best friend. Hope you have a jolly time." Leaving one last disparaging comment, he walked over to the pool and knelt beside it. Lowering his head into the pool for three seconds, he immediately stood up, now in charge of his own body. Shouting and punching air. A Hork-Bajir came close to him and whacked the teenager's head with his fist. Bleeding in the head, he fell unconscious.

_Can you see me now?  
Can you see me now?_

If only anyone could see them. But would that only have made things worse?_  
_  
_Can you see?  
Can you see?  
See me here in the air  
not holding on to anywhere  
but holding on so beware  
I have secrets I won't share  
_

'_Tom, is it? Brother of Jake Berenson, both parents still alive. None of them Controllers.'_

'…_.'_

'_Well? Is that right? I expect an answer when I ask a question.'_

'…_Yes.'_

'_I see. Don't worry Tom. I'll see to it that they are taken soon.'_

'_No!'_

'_What? What did you say?'_

'_Don't take them.'_

'What?_ Ha! The human asks for sympathy! How laughable a situation is that?'_

'_Don't take them… please. I beg you.'_

He felt as if hanging on a cliff, except not holding on to anything. That moment when suspended in midair, a split second before crashing to the floor. Except he never fell. Nor would he ever fall. He was to hang there forever along with millions of Controllers and still counting, until someone came to rescue them. Hopeless. Helpless.

He looked up after the recollecting gruesome memories in his head, every single one of them. Knowing that the Yeerk would soon see what he had thought as soon it was back in his head, it seemed torture to try to think any more.

The Andalite bandits had a secret cover. Jake had a secret, although he was not sure of what it was. All of them had a secret, and so will he. The secret of hope was one secret that even the Yeerk was unable to penetrate. He would live to see the end of this clandestine, yet macabre war.

A drop of sweat trickled on his brow, but he didn't bother to wipe it off. It was always like this. Sweat totally irrelevant to heat. Frightened smiles totally irrelevant to happiness.

_  
See me here pushing you  
If I then deny I do  
Contemplate or wish away  
If I ask you not to stay_

Something inside him told him it was time. The dread he felt seemed to completely wash away the very last that was left of his human feelings. He tried to get up, but in vain. He was far too exhausted to move any further. He wanted to stay here forever, completely immobile. He didn't want to go on with this living torture. Perhaps if he stayed here, they would leave him to die…or anything. Anything had to be better than this.

It was then that two Hork-Bajir extended a massive arm and pulled him roughly from the ground. He didn't even try to struggle against them. They were much stronger than he. Everything was stronger than the weakling he was.

He knelt in front of the gray furnace of the pool. They no longer bothered to tether him with handcuffs, knowing that he would never dare to run away. This thought made him boil with anger once again, but because they were so right. There wasn't anything he could do. Nothing that anyone could do.

He placed his head inside the pool, his mind devoid of all hope at last. It was always like this ever since he could remember. He would lose all hope was the Yeerk would gain control again, but for the several days when he was not the master of his body he would somehow magically regain that hope, that the Andalite bandits would triumph someday, that this disaster would end.

Something slithered inside his ear. Then all was silent.

_Clowns that only let you know  
Where you let your senses go  
Clowns all around you  
It's a cross I need to bear  
All this black and cruel despair  
This is an emergency  
Don't you hide your eyes from me  
Open them and see me now_

Now you see them, now you don't…….

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**_You like it, then you review. You don't like it, then you review. You think it sucks, then you review. Simple._**


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